It’s been a while.

I’ve been busy with…cases that didn’t involve her. You know, cases of milk from Costco, cartons of cereal, and bags of vegetables — that kind of thing.

There was also the reams of paperwork, piles of junk mail — the usual suspects.

But yesterday, I came back to the office, just to check on things.

And there she was, my Muse.

She was lounging on the client chair — a wooden number that purposely not too comfortable, especially with that pose.

But I don’t think she minded.

The shimmery outfit she had on was light and airy, draping over her curvaceous form in just that way that makes men’s hearts flub-a-dub just a wee bit faster. The slits show off her legs, which were stretched out in long diagonals, crossed at the ankles, as she demurely rested her elbows on the back of the chair. She looked at me with sky-blue eyes as her lips curved into a small smile.

No, that pose certainly wasn’t too comfortable. But, I didn’t mind either.

“How’ve you been, darling?” she purred.

“Oh, busy.” I replied.

“Oh, I know–I know about that thing called life. But I meant up there,” she said, pointing to my head.

“Still sharp as ever, I guess.” How sharp it was before I didn’t know.

“I’ve been keeping your place tidy,” she said as she rose, and started walking around.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed. Thanks, but you didn’t have to.”

“Yes, but I wanted to,” she replied. She turned suddenly to look at me in earnest.

“Are you coming back to work, finally?”

“Well, I figured maybe ease in back to it, if you know what I mean.” I said, even though I wasn’t really sure.

“I see.”

There was one of those awkward pauses.

“Um…well, you look as lovely as ever…” I managed.

“Of course,” she said, “I always look great to anyone who finds me. You know that.”

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Well, I hate to chat and run, but–”

She came over to me without another word, and planted a soft kiss on my forehead.

“For luck,” she said, as she disappeared out the door.

Source: WikipediaToday, online social network behemoth MyFacePlace.com announced its latest Web 2.0 technology, SHIPAT has gone live.

Having been under development since the advent of segmented baked leavened flour dough, this latest in a long line of social networking applications finally comes out of theta testing after a series of missteps that saw rival companies gain market share at the expense of MyFacePlace.

Technology blog YechTech.bla predicts that a large number savvy entrepreneurs will jump on the bandwagon to take advantage of what pundits all agree will be a paradigm shift in social networking.

According to MyFacePlace spokeswoman, O. Ly Kidding, the technology is nothing short of amazing.

“Frankly, we’re shocked no one has thought of this before. There’s just something almost natural-like to meeting a person in real life, shaking their hand — it’s an intimacy that really has no rival. There’s a raw energy to the entire process that elicits comparisons to Paleolithic tribal interactions. We think the concept is going to take off in big way.”

To date MyFacePlace has released the following applications:

• SHIPAT v1.0 – Shake Hands In Person And Talk
• UTIE v2.5 – Use the Telephone Instead of always Emailing
• FOHSSIRG v3.1 – FOr Heavens sake, Shave and Shower If you want a Real Girlfriend

Investors, ebullient with the news, pushed shares of MyFacePlace stock up 256% to an all-time high of $1,024 in after hours trading.

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Happy April Fool’s Day!

My name’s Nez. And I’m a blogger.

Today I woke up early. It was something folks like me did often, especially when we’re on a case.

The calm of the early morning is the best time to think. And this case required a lot of thought.

But first, duty called.

I fired up my Quad, the familiar bong of the Mac OS interrupting the silence. Faster than any one-armed bandit, I went through my usual routine.

My agents brought me the usual suspects, mail goons who had too much askey to drink the night before. I recognized a few characters from the local RSS. A few were new, defiant, even emboldened.

I picked out the ones I wanted from the line-up, leaving the rest for processing by the disposal team. I don’t envy those guys — the cyber-sanitation engineers — dealing with the everyday deluge of bogus deals on meds and warez, get-rich-quick schemes, flesh-peddlers and spammy low-lifes. It’s a thankless job.

Anyway, the minutes flew by, and before I knew it, they arrived.

My morning visitors.

I knew it would happen — it was inevitable, living in the Pa Rent ‘hood. Their footsteps got closer, and I wheeled around, expecting the worse. Clad in colorful, polyester outfits, the two made quite a pair. One had hair that was in all directions, as if he’d just gotten out of bed. Clearly, grooming was not high on this guy’s priority list. Of course, in their line of work, it rarely was.

In a high, squeaky voice, the other one said, “Daddy, can we have the Honey Nut Cheerios today?”

“Sure, kids.” I told them.

Two minutes later, the two brothers were contently munching away on the cereal, momentarily distracted. It won’t be long before they’ll be back, though. But by that time, I’ll be ready for them.

Returning to the job at hand, I continued working on tracking down my elusive target. She had given me the slip for a couple of days, but today I was determined to find her.

It had been a long, hard chase. For a while there, it was like I was always one step behind her. But I was close. I could feel it, for she was careless. There were clues left strewn about at each crime scene: a smooth and polished comment, a snippet of idea clearly cut by a sharp wit, and several incriminating photos to boot.

But she was good, and she knew it, and she knew that I knew.

Perhaps being careless was just her way of taunting me.

But I vowed it won’t be long before I found her again.

Just then, though, in walked a pair of the finest smooth-skinned legs any bipedal organism of the female persuasion would want for locomotion. And there were other uses as well, I can assure you.

But today, any stocking-covered, stiletto-heel bearing gam-gandering was precluded by the dark cotton-blend covering of a loose-fitting pair of sweatpants. The luscious lips that belonged to the rest of the warmly dressed body parted. What followed was to the point, a point I had no trouble getting.

“Honey, I’m off to class.”

“Okay, honey. Good luck on the exam today.” I replied. I gave the wife a kiss, and she went out through the garage side door. Such a cutie.

And then, another hour passed before I could get back on the case — you know, kids. School. ‘Nuff said.

I dug out my dog-eared notebook — great for keeping track of clues — and again worked on the case, going over and over all the pieces of information I had, somehow knowing that I needed to form a puzzle without the picture on the box. That puzzle could turn out to be highly valued, revered, maybe even talked about. But I wouldn’t know until the job was done.

I agonized and thought some more. I went to the john to pay my respects and thought there, too. Then I made a cup of tea and quaffed it down like there was no tomorrow. Decaffeinated, if you must know. And green, too.

And then I found her.

She appeared right where she was the other day, when everyone was out of the pad. When I was alone.

She stood right there in all her splendid glory, dressed in some sort of ethereal, swirling, wispy thing of excuse for a dress.

This was no ordinary dame.

Unlike a cornered animal, she would not fight back. Now caught, she would willingly relinquish herself. There would be no more games.

So without a word, she drifted up to me and peered over my shoulder at the screen.

“Oh, Nez, that looks like a great post!” Muse said. “Why don’t you fix that typo…”

To be continued…?

photo credit: borderhacker

That’s what you say at a party if you:

• Work as an IRS auditor
• Work for the FBI, the NSA, or the DEA
• Make daily rounds on city streets as a TCO, Traffic Control Officer, aka “parking ticket/meter maid”
• Send young men and women to war
• Are a politician about to be recalled
• Used to pump iron and have an Austrian accent

(okay, I admit it, this is another post inspired by a comment on Barbara’s site)

Anything else?

There are thousands (or millions) of sites devoted to finances, financial responsibility, getting/staying out of debt. Visit any self-help section at your local bookstore and you’ll also find hundreds of books devoted to the same topic.

I thought I’d sum up what I’ve seen, read, and (for the most part) practice – the number one rule to financial responsibility. However, to write only one sentence seemed almost like…cheating. So, in the interest of verbosity, I did some more thinking on the subject. Here’s what I came up with:

1. Earn More Than You Spend – the optimist version
2. Spend Less Than What You Earn – the pessimist version
3. Savings = Revenue – Expenses, where Expenses < Revenue – the mathematician’s version
4. Net Income = Gross Income minus Total Expenses and Deductions (you did save those receipts, right?) - the accountant’s version
5. Buy 1 less Cup of Coffee a week to save $20 a month – the conscientious Starbuck goer’s version
6. Every month, pay into your retirement, then your bills, then whatever’s left is extra – the Financial Guru’s version
7. Every month, pay into your retirement, then your bills, then half of what’s left can go into the “games” – the Reformed Gambler’s version
8. Every month, pay into your retirement, bills, and then buy ONLY one pair of shoes (that costs less than what you have remaining) – the compulsive shoe buyer’s version
9. Every day, save a dollar, spend the rest – the homeless person’s version
10. When you see a 10 dollar bill on the ground, DON’T pick it up – the Bill Gate’s version