NezSez

It Starts at Home

When I hear about crimes — white collar, blue collar, whatever-color-collar — this first thing that comes to mind is how were these perpetrators raised? How were they as kids? What was life like at home then?

Certainly, they may have made mistakes as an adult/young adult that really set them on a wrong path — failure to foresee consequences of an action (see my post on alternate time-lines).

However, I bet a majority had detrimental habits that were instilled during childhood.

In fact, sometimes we do get those back-stories, and often we hear that the parents had no clue that their children were troubled.

To me, that’s shocking.

I hope I have SOME clue to how my kids emotional growth is developing.

A Disconnect Between Parents and Children

I know times are so much different than say the stereotypical nuclear family of the 1950’s. Today, because often both parents work and the media (cable/satellite TV, internet) and technology (computer, cellphones) are so pervasive, it is so easy to have a disconnect between parents and their kids. Parents are too tired when they come home, and kids are too busy in their little own world of video games, mySpace, etc. Interactions between them boil down to simple yes-no questions and answers.

One the the things I think is important is to talk to the kids and understand how they’re growing, especially emotionally and intellectually.

I try to find out as much as possible without being too nosy, and use regular utilize a topic to explain a appropriate principle. Thus far, these are the ones that have come up fairly often:

7 Principles I’m Trying to Instill in My Kids

1. Respectful Communication - Kids have motormouths that run a mile a minute, and when they talk, the speech is frequently filled with um’s and an’then’s. When that happens I always ask them to slow down. I also require them to stop talking when their mother or I am talking to them — sometimes I will ask them, “What did I just say?” to see if they were listening. I explain that they should wait to talk until they have understood what was told to them, and I want them to look me in the eye when they talk, not stare off somewhere.
2. Attitude is Everything - I will get more upset over a bad, whiny attitude than I will over something “bad” that they did.
3. Saying “I’m Sorry” - I do not want to hear excuses for everything. If you did something wrong, take responsibility for it. Know that everyone makes mistakes, and if you made a one, apologize, fix the problem if needed, and move on.
4. Keeping Promises - The reason to keep promises now is to become trustworthy. A few years from now, you’ll want to do things like go out on your own, stay out late, learn to drive, etc. If you’re not trustworthy by then, I will not let you do those things.
5. Anything worthwhile comes from hard work and effort - All the things that you want right now (toys, video games) require money. Money requires hard work. Right now, the older one is earning “stars” each week, a minimum of five, to get a Nintendo DS if he earns five or more stars for six straight weeks.
6. Learn to See the Bigger Picture - We use examples to see if the kids will see the bigger picture, in order for them to learn the concept of long-term gains. For instance, we normally ask that they read 60 minutes, and then they get to play video games for 60 minutes. Sometimes we’ll offer them 30 extra minutes of playing time if they read for just 15 minutes more.
7. What the Opposite of Love Is - As a kid what the antonym of love is, and he’ll probably say hate. However, I explain that the opposite of love is selfishness, thinking and caring only about yourself, not being sensitive to other people’s feelings, not sharing toys, not saying hi or thank you. Basically, you can squeeze a lot of negative qualities into that definition, in order to show how good love is. That way, we avoid the abstract concept of hate and demonstrate what love is.

I don’t know how successful my strategy will be, but I’m hoping some of these will eventually rub off on them and serve them well throughout their lives.

At the least, down the road, I want to be able to look back and be able to say, I was involved in my children’s upbringing, that I did my best, and I did have SOME clue to what they were doing.

If you have kids, or are around kids a lot, let me know what other principles I may have missed.

Or, if the kids are all grown up, how did they turn out?

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